Article | Santa's Sleigh

I recently met up with Nick, a dear friend of mine. I haven’t seen him in about 20 years, but it was as if we never parted. We keep in touch every now and then using letters, but it’s not the same.

Recently I decided that was it. It was time to pack my bags, and head over, just to visit for a day, and obviously ask him about his amazing mode of transport. I asked him why he doesn’t have a car, but his look said it all. He is surrounded by miles and miles of snow and cold. Needless to say his modified Hilux is only used in extreme cases, such as when one of his beloved reindeers goes gallivanting and gets stuck in the snow.

Now Nick is a very busy man, especially now, with deadlines drawing closer and his staff working overtime, it is absolutely vital that I got to the point. The meeting was not unpleasant, but the timing was off just a little, but I might just go back sometime next year, after the rush has ended, and he is on leave.

The sleigh.

Seeing this sleigh on pictures and moves is one thing, experiencing it is something completely different. Is not as big as I assumed it would be, at least not on the outside. Sleek and powerful, the sleigh hums as Nick moves it from the hangar. The red and gold paint scheme glistening in the sun. There is not a single scratch, dent, nick or chip on it. Nick told me his head mechanic, Smiley Bunny-Elf is the absolute best, and he does not allow Nick any joy rides, and apparently had the whole team polish the sleigh just before my arrival.

Getting in is relatively easy, and the seats are comfortable, the inside is simple and elegant, with only the leash latch as a visible way of steering. You could easily imagine yourself being in a Rolls Royce, or something as luxurious. There is an enormous wood panel covering the instrument panel. Lovable Chilly-Tinker, the aeronautics guy, said it mainly serves as protection from water, and the odd bouts of heat it gets from re-entry into the atmosphere.

I was fortunate enough to meet Blitzen and Donder, the strongest two of the pack, who eagerly stood by to give me a ride. Apparently there was a few modifications made to the navigational systems and this had to be tested.

Power

It turns out the silly red uniform is not for show, and according to Specialist scientist Lucky Berry-Bum, the extreme speed and forces acted out on Nicks body, requires some protection. In essence, the suit is one big anti-G fashion disaster. Allowing for a cool, comfortable wear, while holding all the organs in place. It features a tracker, homing device, and emergency beacon, as well as a few other tricks allowing the medical team to monitor Nicks heart rate, alcohol intake, and toxin removal. It even has a built in lavatory.

I laughed, it all seems so unnecessary, but soon I would be enlightened by lead engineer Tumbleflump Poodle-elf about what the figures looked like. It did take me a while to understand the elf doodles, but it is clear they have a very advanced, and sophisticated method of writing.

Tumbleflump told me the average speed the sleigh needs to maintain is a whopping, light speed bending 10,703,437.5 km/h – or 1,800 miles per second. This makes the sleigh the fastest thing in the known universe. Add to this that acceleration is almost instant, i.e., 0-100 times in a fraction of a second, the reasoning behind the suit quickly makes sense. I was told that throughout the years, a success rate of 96% was achieved in delivering presents on time. Granted the day is 8 hours longer due to the time difference, this is still a very impressive feat.

The ops manager, Gorgeous Floppy-Cracker said one 32 hour night has an approximate stop rate of 233,000,000 times, and the biggest challenge is getting the right present at the right stop. There is an estimated 700,000,000 gifts to be delivered.

The sun is on the horizon, the reindeers locked in, and a test is underway. The hum still remains, and the sheer force pushed me back a few steps with the launch, but other than that it was dead silent. I was told it was not safe to go along with the test, apparently something to do with insurance and a lapse in the indemnity clause, but never the less. I had a blast.

I asked Nick how if all this was really powered by the reindeer. It turns out there is some trickery involved, things such as a space-time bubble generator and quantum computation, all developed in-house, the reindeer themselves are true. They each believed they were something more, and that gave them the ability to do what they do. That, and a little bit of genetic modification, with their permission obviously.

It turns out the sleigh is more impressive than it may lead to indicate, but the thing that gets me is the spirit, the helpfulness, and the way all the happy little elf each contributed to one of the most amazing pieces of technology here on earth.

Nick told me you can have a look at NORAD, and follow him live on the big day, and he asked that I do some marketing for his reindeer, because it helps with their self-esteem. You can also send him an email. (It looks safe)

Either way, I wish I could get a ride in that sleigh, but maybe another time, for now though, I had the fortune of seeing something very cool, excuse the pun. 

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